It used to be that I didn't know what I overate. I just knew it was something that I did. It seemed that once the wheels were in motion in my brain I was utterly helpless to try to stop them. Try as I might, the ice cream would whisper my name from the freezer and the snacks would rustle in an effort to get my attention from the cabinets.
"I like to eat", I reasoned. I had heard a plump woman say that to me once outside my gym. She seemed to make no apology for the fact that she wasn't slim. She worked out to stay within a reasonable size but she had no bones about being a little over because she was just doing what she enjoyed. I tried that out but the darned remorse and self-loathing always kicked in almost immediately. I can be in love with myself and become nearly vomitous over my own existence within the same five minutes. Trying to brainwash myself into accepting my little "habit" didn't work well with my bi-polar self-awareness.
I spent many, many years in 12-step program for people like me. I was desperate for balance then. I was over 200 lbs and suicidal at times. I was afraid of being awake. I didn't want to live in the food-induced hell I had subjected myself to. A life of getting up in the middle of the night to go to Dunkin' Donuts for a hot chocolate and a coffee roll. It was like my addiction had its own alarm clock and I had to get up and obey its commands or else. I learned a lot about food issues in those rooms, I am grateful. I just knew that in the end it didn't kill the demon, just made it lethargic. I wanted total freedom. I wanted to be able to walk away from the foods that always ensnared me without any feelings of regret. I never found it there.
As a Christian I knew the only cure for me could come from Jesus and if they wouldn't acknowledge that then as much as I loved my 12-steppers, I had to let that way of life go and seek what God had for me. The bible has many answers for the idolatry of food. We are to cast down our idols, that is throw them to the dirt, regard them as rubbish. That is what it is. For those of us in the bondage of food, it has been become for us a golden calf. Just like the Isrealites that were following around Moses, I have fashioned for myself a golden calf out of chocolate and raised it up to be my savior.
I hate that realization but that is true.
I have noticed something about when I want to eat the things I shouldn't have. What always precedes my pre-occupation with food is a slacking off on prayer, skimping on quiet time and a simmering state of unrest within me. When something is "up" I want to soothe myself with sugar. In those moments when I succumb, I am walking away from God in an effort to take a big 'ole bite out of my golden calf once again being fooled into it taking God's place. It never tastes as good as I hope it will, nor does it ever take the place of the ever comforting peace of God.
Phillippians 4:8-9
Finally brethren, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right. Whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable. If anything is excellent or praiseworthy, think on these things.
Showing posts with label obesity. Show all posts
Showing posts with label obesity. Show all posts
Monday, February 11, 2013
Wednesday, December 12, 2012
The God of the Stomach
"It's not good to eat too much honey, and it's not good to seek honors for yourself. A person without self-control is like a city with broken down walls." Proverbs 25:27-28
I've been looking for verses that correlate with food as an addiction and I came across this one recently. What struck me about the first line is that it puts eating too much with selfish gain.
I had to think about this for a minute. How do overeating and self-centeredness go together? I had to sit and peel back the covers to see what was underneath.
Not so much as how they go together as it is what is happening in both cases. For me, when I eat too much and when I want to toot my own horn, it's because I am feeling inadequate. There is something inside me that is driving to seek something to soothe my insecurities. In every case, in every time, I am trying to fill an emotional hole with food or accolades. Neither one do anything to satiate for any period of time. The moment I am filled, the hole voids what has been put there and the feelings of guilt on top of anxiousness are left in its place.
But what about the second line? How do they go together? A person ridden with guilt and fear has little defense when they are sent scrambling to find anything to bring stability and comfort. The consistent state of this kind of pattern would leave anyone worn and in most cases, feeling depressed and defeated. The purpose for God bringing these insights together is simple. He doesn't want us to fall victim to these patterns.
Where then, do we find this stability, this foundation by which we stand on when trouble seems to come from every direction at times? How do we gird ourselves when the pangs of "not good enough" always seem to come at the worse possible times? God leaves his instruction on the antidote as well. It reads:
"I am the LORD your God, who brought you up out of Egypt. Open wide your mouth and I will fill it." Psalm 81:10
If you are tempted to open your mouth and fill it with food you don't need, then instead open the mouth of your soul and ask God to fill it. Even in the moments where you feel as though "OK, I prayed and nothing happened", be still and know that He heard you. Walk away from your fridge in faith and trust that what you avoided would not have made you feel any better if you had given in again. Go brush your teeth and find something positive to do knowing that God will provide for what you need if you give Him a chance.
I've been looking for verses that correlate with food as an addiction and I came across this one recently. What struck me about the first line is that it puts eating too much with selfish gain.
I had to think about this for a minute. How do overeating and self-centeredness go together? I had to sit and peel back the covers to see what was underneath.
Not so much as how they go together as it is what is happening in both cases. For me, when I eat too much and when I want to toot my own horn, it's because I am feeling inadequate. There is something inside me that is driving to seek something to soothe my insecurities. In every case, in every time, I am trying to fill an emotional hole with food or accolades. Neither one do anything to satiate for any period of time. The moment I am filled, the hole voids what has been put there and the feelings of guilt on top of anxiousness are left in its place.
But what about the second line? How do they go together? A person ridden with guilt and fear has little defense when they are sent scrambling to find anything to bring stability and comfort. The consistent state of this kind of pattern would leave anyone worn and in most cases, feeling depressed and defeated. The purpose for God bringing these insights together is simple. He doesn't want us to fall victim to these patterns.
Where then, do we find this stability, this foundation by which we stand on when trouble seems to come from every direction at times? How do we gird ourselves when the pangs of "not good enough" always seem to come at the worse possible times? God leaves his instruction on the antidote as well. It reads:
"I am the LORD your God, who brought you up out of Egypt. Open wide your mouth and I will fill it." Psalm 81:10
If you are tempted to open your mouth and fill it with food you don't need, then instead open the mouth of your soul and ask God to fill it. Even in the moments where you feel as though "OK, I prayed and nothing happened", be still and know that He heard you. Walk away from your fridge in faith and trust that what you avoided would not have made you feel any better if you had given in again. Go brush your teeth and find something positive to do knowing that God will provide for what you need if you give Him a chance.
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