It used to be that I didn't know what I overate. I just knew it was something that I did. It seemed that once the wheels were in motion in my brain I was utterly helpless to try to stop them. Try as I might, the ice cream would whisper my name from the freezer and the snacks would rustle in an effort to get my attention from the cabinets.
"I like to eat", I reasoned. I had heard a plump woman say that to me once outside my gym. She seemed to make no apology for the fact that she wasn't slim. She worked out to stay within a reasonable size but she had no bones about being a little over because she was just doing what she enjoyed. I tried that out but the darned remorse and self-loathing always kicked in almost immediately. I can be in love with myself and become nearly vomitous over my own existence within the same five minutes. Trying to brainwash myself into accepting my little "habit" didn't work well with my bi-polar self-awareness.
I spent many, many years in 12-step program for people like me. I was desperate for balance then. I was over 200 lbs and suicidal at times. I was afraid of being awake. I didn't want to live in the food-induced hell I had subjected myself to. A life of getting up in the middle of the night to go to Dunkin' Donuts for a hot chocolate and a coffee roll. It was like my addiction had its own alarm clock and I had to get up and obey its commands or else. I learned a lot about food issues in those rooms, I am grateful. I just knew that in the end it didn't kill the demon, just made it lethargic. I wanted total freedom. I wanted to be able to walk away from the foods that always ensnared me without any feelings of regret. I never found it there.
As a Christian I knew the only cure for me could come from Jesus and if they wouldn't acknowledge that then as much as I loved my 12-steppers, I had to let that way of life go and seek what God had for me. The bible has many answers for the idolatry of food. We are to cast down our idols, that is throw them to the dirt, regard them as rubbish. That is what it is. For those of us in the bondage of food, it has been become for us a golden calf. Just like the Isrealites that were following around Moses, I have fashioned for myself a golden calf out of chocolate and raised it up to be my savior.
I hate that realization but that is true.
I have noticed something about when I want to eat the things I shouldn't have. What always precedes my pre-occupation with food is a slacking off on prayer, skimping on quiet time and a simmering state of unrest within me. When something is "up" I want to soothe myself with sugar. In those moments when I succumb, I am walking away from God in an effort to take a big 'ole bite out of my golden calf once again being fooled into it taking God's place. It never tastes as good as I hope it will, nor does it ever take the place of the ever comforting peace of God.
Phillippians 4:8-9
Finally brethren, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right. Whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable. If anything is excellent or praiseworthy, think on these things.
Monday, February 11, 2013
Wednesday, December 12, 2012
The God of the Stomach
"It's not good to eat too much honey, and it's not good to seek honors for yourself. A person without self-control is like a city with broken down walls." Proverbs 25:27-28
I've been looking for verses that correlate with food as an addiction and I came across this one recently. What struck me about the first line is that it puts eating too much with selfish gain.
I had to think about this for a minute. How do overeating and self-centeredness go together? I had to sit and peel back the covers to see what was underneath.
Not so much as how they go together as it is what is happening in both cases. For me, when I eat too much and when I want to toot my own horn, it's because I am feeling inadequate. There is something inside me that is driving to seek something to soothe my insecurities. In every case, in every time, I am trying to fill an emotional hole with food or accolades. Neither one do anything to satiate for any period of time. The moment I am filled, the hole voids what has been put there and the feelings of guilt on top of anxiousness are left in its place.
But what about the second line? How do they go together? A person ridden with guilt and fear has little defense when they are sent scrambling to find anything to bring stability and comfort. The consistent state of this kind of pattern would leave anyone worn and in most cases, feeling depressed and defeated. The purpose for God bringing these insights together is simple. He doesn't want us to fall victim to these patterns.
Where then, do we find this stability, this foundation by which we stand on when trouble seems to come from every direction at times? How do we gird ourselves when the pangs of "not good enough" always seem to come at the worse possible times? God leaves his instruction on the antidote as well. It reads:
"I am the LORD your God, who brought you up out of Egypt. Open wide your mouth and I will fill it." Psalm 81:10
If you are tempted to open your mouth and fill it with food you don't need, then instead open the mouth of your soul and ask God to fill it. Even in the moments where you feel as though "OK, I prayed and nothing happened", be still and know that He heard you. Walk away from your fridge in faith and trust that what you avoided would not have made you feel any better if you had given in again. Go brush your teeth and find something positive to do knowing that God will provide for what you need if you give Him a chance.
I've been looking for verses that correlate with food as an addiction and I came across this one recently. What struck me about the first line is that it puts eating too much with selfish gain.
I had to think about this for a minute. How do overeating and self-centeredness go together? I had to sit and peel back the covers to see what was underneath.
Not so much as how they go together as it is what is happening in both cases. For me, when I eat too much and when I want to toot my own horn, it's because I am feeling inadequate. There is something inside me that is driving to seek something to soothe my insecurities. In every case, in every time, I am trying to fill an emotional hole with food or accolades. Neither one do anything to satiate for any period of time. The moment I am filled, the hole voids what has been put there and the feelings of guilt on top of anxiousness are left in its place.
But what about the second line? How do they go together? A person ridden with guilt and fear has little defense when they are sent scrambling to find anything to bring stability and comfort. The consistent state of this kind of pattern would leave anyone worn and in most cases, feeling depressed and defeated. The purpose for God bringing these insights together is simple. He doesn't want us to fall victim to these patterns.
Where then, do we find this stability, this foundation by which we stand on when trouble seems to come from every direction at times? How do we gird ourselves when the pangs of "not good enough" always seem to come at the worse possible times? God leaves his instruction on the antidote as well. It reads:
"I am the LORD your God, who brought you up out of Egypt. Open wide your mouth and I will fill it." Psalm 81:10
If you are tempted to open your mouth and fill it with food you don't need, then instead open the mouth of your soul and ask God to fill it. Even in the moments where you feel as though "OK, I prayed and nothing happened", be still and know that He heard you. Walk away from your fridge in faith and trust that what you avoided would not have made you feel any better if you had given in again. Go brush your teeth and find something positive to do knowing that God will provide for what you need if you give Him a chance.
Monday, October 22, 2012
Pastor, There is a Junkie in Your Pew!
"Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God - this is your spiritual act of worship" Romans 12:1
I know what you are thinking. Yes, of course there is likely someone in your church community who is struggling with an addiction. We've all prayed for someones husband or kid who was facing his or her demons and checking into rehab. That's old news.
The problem of addiction amongst Christians is much more wide spread than anyone could ever realize. In some churches, the addiction problem could be more than 30% of its member population.
Some of them even come to service high. Some use right there in church, in front of their fellow church goers. A good amount love to bring their supply to every function their church has and offer it to others. Say it ain't so! But it's true.
Food is likely one of the most abused substances in the United States. With more than 50% of the population considered overweight, I have some solid data to back up my claim. Some abuse carbohydrates, craving potato chips or other crunchy snacks, some will overeat or abuse their bodies with eating more than they should at nearly every occasion to dine. Once the taste is on the tongue, the user is helpless to stop until it's gone. That is what a drug addict does.
Me? I am a sugar junkie. It started a long time ago. Just about when I couldn't tell you. Seems I've always been that way. Yes, I've had my binges on lots of things but the one thing I craved more than anything, the one thing I couldn't say 'no' to, the thing I loved to feel coursing through my veins at any opportunity was sugar. I couldn't get enough of it. In some of my worst moments, I'd get up in the middle of the night and drive to Dunkin' Donuts just to get a large hot chocolate and down it on the drive home. Other times, I'd take a stash and hide in the bathroom and eat it when I became a mom just so I didn't have to share. I ate my poor late husband's treats all the time, leaving him mad at me and disappointed that he couldn't have what he set aside for himself. It was pitiful.
Believe me, I've spent decades in pursuit of a way out. I tried every diet that you can think of. Ones you pay for, ones you get online, I've dieted alone, with a buddy. I spent 14 years in Overeaters Anonymous just to leave disillusioned. Sure, I got skinny,a little too skinny to be honest. In an effort to free myself of my illness I shackled myself to a litany of rigorous rules around food. Instead of writing down what I ate in my food journal I had to call my list of daily approved consumables to my sponsor, making a pledge to eat nothing else other than what I'd reported. This went on for years. I was thin but I wasn't happy. I was constantly longing for a time when to be free of addiction didn't mean that I had to get married to a "program". I tried bible studies. They were good. The bible always displays truth but the truth was, they didn't seem to address the real issue. I knew why I was eating, I knew there was pain in my life that made me turn to food to satiate the anxieties I would often feel. They did everything in those studies but call it what it was, Idolatry.
Yeah, yeah, gluttony. One of the 7 deadly sins. That's true but what is food to a food addict or in my case a sugar junkie? It's God. You may not be where I am at with this but trust me, you want to get there because until you do, little is going to change. I started to recognize something in me every time I ate. When I got anxious I didn't hit my knees, I hit the cabinets. I rarely ate anything sugary when I was hungry. I ate when I was in need of calming. I ate to sugar to make myself happy. I ate sugar to make myself comfortable. Chewing seemed to make me slow down enough to think but as soon as the sugar started to work its magic on my mood it clouded my mind. It wasn't too long before I was tired and cranky, hungover from my fix. And so it went, on and on. I prayed about it when I would burn myself out on this crazy miserable-go-round. It would seem to alleviate for a short time and I'd think I'd beat it with prayer only to have it rush back in before I knew what hit me and I'd go crumbling to my knees for relief again. Why didn't God answer my prayers?
The answer came one night during yet another whine-fest of "God help me, please". I'd been asking God for relief from the cravings of sugar that had been rearing their ugly head again. His answer? "you need to give it to me". What? Wasn't I doing that? I kept asking every night. His answer would always be the same, "you need to give it to me." What the heck else was I doing? I was puzzled. What did He mean?
One night I finally got it. This night I was so desperate for sugar that I opened up a bag of trail mix just so I could pick out the chocolate and throw the rest away. As I did that, my mind flashed back to times as a teenager when I used to use cocaine. Just before God had rescued me from that hell, I'd reduced myself to using alone in my room. While I groomed up my stash, I'd chew on the piece of plastic bag it came in. When I'd get desperate for more the next day, I'd pick the chewed bag out of the trash and chew it again, hoping for any stinging on my tongue that would prove that there was more on the bag to have. Disgusting, huh? I couldn't see the difference in what I was doing with chocolate in trail mix versus what I'd done then. It was in that moment that I had come full circle to realize that I was not merely self-medicating with sugar. I was an addict in a full-blown cycle of abuse.
My prayer was much different this time. "Lord, please take this from me. I don't want it any more." I was willing to forgo any more of it. I didn't want Him to just teach me how to gain control of my intake, I just wanted Him to take it. I surrendered my idol to Him. He took it from me. What He said in response to my request was, "I will remove this taste from your mouth." I thought He meant that He'd remove the desire from me, what He actually did was make the taste of sugar unpalatable. I know it sounds radically crazy but I can't stand the taste of sugar any more. That certainly eliminates a lot of things from my diet now but the reality remains. I can't even chew it. I want to literally spit it out of my mouth. I can't tell you how wacky and amazing it has been to be delivered in such a way but God has radically delivered me from things before. I am not surprised as much as I am overwhelmed with gratitude.
How did I really get to believing my sugar binges were really idol worship? Well, I will tell you. This blog is being created to share my story, my struggles and what God has been teaching me in preparation to bring this to public discussion. I hope you find some joy in knowing you don't have to live in bondage to sugar or any other food-related addiction any more. He is jealous for you and frankly, you are worth so much more than bowing down to a man-made thing you put in your mouth.
I know what you are thinking. Yes, of course there is likely someone in your church community who is struggling with an addiction. We've all prayed for someones husband or kid who was facing his or her demons and checking into rehab. That's old news.
The problem of addiction amongst Christians is much more wide spread than anyone could ever realize. In some churches, the addiction problem could be more than 30% of its member population.
Some of them even come to service high. Some use right there in church, in front of their fellow church goers. A good amount love to bring their supply to every function their church has and offer it to others. Say it ain't so! But it's true.
Food is likely one of the most abused substances in the United States. With more than 50% of the population considered overweight, I have some solid data to back up my claim. Some abuse carbohydrates, craving potato chips or other crunchy snacks, some will overeat or abuse their bodies with eating more than they should at nearly every occasion to dine. Once the taste is on the tongue, the user is helpless to stop until it's gone. That is what a drug addict does.
Me? I am a sugar junkie. It started a long time ago. Just about when I couldn't tell you. Seems I've always been that way. Yes, I've had my binges on lots of things but the one thing I craved more than anything, the one thing I couldn't say 'no' to, the thing I loved to feel coursing through my veins at any opportunity was sugar. I couldn't get enough of it. In some of my worst moments, I'd get up in the middle of the night and drive to Dunkin' Donuts just to get a large hot chocolate and down it on the drive home. Other times, I'd take a stash and hide in the bathroom and eat it when I became a mom just so I didn't have to share. I ate my poor late husband's treats all the time, leaving him mad at me and disappointed that he couldn't have what he set aside for himself. It was pitiful.
Believe me, I've spent decades in pursuit of a way out. I tried every diet that you can think of. Ones you pay for, ones you get online, I've dieted alone, with a buddy. I spent 14 years in Overeaters Anonymous just to leave disillusioned. Sure, I got skinny,a little too skinny to be honest. In an effort to free myself of my illness I shackled myself to a litany of rigorous rules around food. Instead of writing down what I ate in my food journal I had to call my list of daily approved consumables to my sponsor, making a pledge to eat nothing else other than what I'd reported. This went on for years. I was thin but I wasn't happy. I was constantly longing for a time when to be free of addiction didn't mean that I had to get married to a "program". I tried bible studies. They were good. The bible always displays truth but the truth was, they didn't seem to address the real issue. I knew why I was eating, I knew there was pain in my life that made me turn to food to satiate the anxieties I would often feel. They did everything in those studies but call it what it was, Idolatry.
Yeah, yeah, gluttony. One of the 7 deadly sins. That's true but what is food to a food addict or in my case a sugar junkie? It's God. You may not be where I am at with this but trust me, you want to get there because until you do, little is going to change. I started to recognize something in me every time I ate. When I got anxious I didn't hit my knees, I hit the cabinets. I rarely ate anything sugary when I was hungry. I ate when I was in need of calming. I ate to sugar to make myself happy. I ate sugar to make myself comfortable. Chewing seemed to make me slow down enough to think but as soon as the sugar started to work its magic on my mood it clouded my mind. It wasn't too long before I was tired and cranky, hungover from my fix. And so it went, on and on. I prayed about it when I would burn myself out on this crazy miserable-go-round. It would seem to alleviate for a short time and I'd think I'd beat it with prayer only to have it rush back in before I knew what hit me and I'd go crumbling to my knees for relief again. Why didn't God answer my prayers?
The answer came one night during yet another whine-fest of "God help me, please". I'd been asking God for relief from the cravings of sugar that had been rearing their ugly head again. His answer? "you need to give it to me". What? Wasn't I doing that? I kept asking every night. His answer would always be the same, "you need to give it to me." What the heck else was I doing? I was puzzled. What did He mean?
One night I finally got it. This night I was so desperate for sugar that I opened up a bag of trail mix just so I could pick out the chocolate and throw the rest away. As I did that, my mind flashed back to times as a teenager when I used to use cocaine. Just before God had rescued me from that hell, I'd reduced myself to using alone in my room. While I groomed up my stash, I'd chew on the piece of plastic bag it came in. When I'd get desperate for more the next day, I'd pick the chewed bag out of the trash and chew it again, hoping for any stinging on my tongue that would prove that there was more on the bag to have. Disgusting, huh? I couldn't see the difference in what I was doing with chocolate in trail mix versus what I'd done then. It was in that moment that I had come full circle to realize that I was not merely self-medicating with sugar. I was an addict in a full-blown cycle of abuse.
My prayer was much different this time. "Lord, please take this from me. I don't want it any more." I was willing to forgo any more of it. I didn't want Him to just teach me how to gain control of my intake, I just wanted Him to take it. I surrendered my idol to Him. He took it from me. What He said in response to my request was, "I will remove this taste from your mouth." I thought He meant that He'd remove the desire from me, what He actually did was make the taste of sugar unpalatable. I know it sounds radically crazy but I can't stand the taste of sugar any more. That certainly eliminates a lot of things from my diet now but the reality remains. I can't even chew it. I want to literally spit it out of my mouth. I can't tell you how wacky and amazing it has been to be delivered in such a way but God has radically delivered me from things before. I am not surprised as much as I am overwhelmed with gratitude.
How did I really get to believing my sugar binges were really idol worship? Well, I will tell you. This blog is being created to share my story, my struggles and what God has been teaching me in preparation to bring this to public discussion. I hope you find some joy in knowing you don't have to live in bondage to sugar or any other food-related addiction any more. He is jealous for you and frankly, you are worth so much more than bowing down to a man-made thing you put in your mouth.
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