It used to be that I didn't know what I overate. I just knew it was something that I did. It seemed that once the wheels were in motion in my brain I was utterly helpless to try to stop them. Try as I might, the ice cream would whisper my name from the freezer and the snacks would rustle in an effort to get my attention from the cabinets.
"I like to eat", I reasoned. I had heard a plump woman say that to me once outside my gym. She seemed to make no apology for the fact that she wasn't slim. She worked out to stay within a reasonable size but she had no bones about being a little over because she was just doing what she enjoyed. I tried that out but the darned remorse and self-loathing always kicked in almost immediately. I can be in love with myself and become nearly vomitous over my own existence within the same five minutes. Trying to brainwash myself into accepting my little "habit" didn't work well with my bi-polar self-awareness.
I spent many, many years in 12-step program for people like me. I was desperate for balance then. I was over 200 lbs and suicidal at times. I was afraid of being awake. I didn't want to live in the food-induced hell I had subjected myself to. A life of getting up in the middle of the night to go to Dunkin' Donuts for a hot chocolate and a coffee roll. It was like my addiction had its own alarm clock and I had to get up and obey its commands or else. I learned a lot about food issues in those rooms, I am grateful. I just knew that in the end it didn't kill the demon, just made it lethargic. I wanted total freedom. I wanted to be able to walk away from the foods that always ensnared me without any feelings of regret. I never found it there.
As a Christian I knew the only cure for me could come from Jesus and if they wouldn't acknowledge that then as much as I loved my 12-steppers, I had to let that way of life go and seek what God had for me. The bible has many answers for the idolatry of food. We are to cast down our idols, that is throw them to the dirt, regard them as rubbish. That is what it is. For those of us in the bondage of food, it has been become for us a golden calf. Just like the Isrealites that were following around Moses, I have fashioned for myself a golden calf out of chocolate and raised it up to be my savior.
I hate that realization but that is true.
I have noticed something about when I want to eat the things I shouldn't have. What always precedes my pre-occupation with food is a slacking off on prayer, skimping on quiet time and a simmering state of unrest within me. When something is "up" I want to soothe myself with sugar. In those moments when I succumb, I am walking away from God in an effort to take a big 'ole bite out of my golden calf once again being fooled into it taking God's place. It never tastes as good as I hope it will, nor does it ever take the place of the ever comforting peace of God.
Phillippians 4:8-9
Finally brethren, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right. Whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable. If anything is excellent or praiseworthy, think on these things.
